childbirth awesome experience!

i already told my husband and sisters about this. i’ve told them many times already. but i can’t find the need to stop talking about this. simply because it is undefinable. seriously. there is no words can describe childbirth experience. it is zillions time more than awesome, blissful, beautiful, fascinating etc.

it was a blessing, really. i am truly sorry to those women who really want to have their own kids but never got the chance. i really am. i pray to Allah to give every loving woman out there a chance to feel the kicks of those tiny legs in the womb and successfully deliver the beautiful creature into the world. delivering babies is definitely a blessing Allah gives to women alone. 

i still remember the day. i had a terrible car accident at PLUS highway on July 7th 2013. the car was defined as total loss by the insurance company, so you can imagine just how bad it was. at that time, i already on my 36th weeks of pregnancy. luckily we all made it alive. i cracked my left wrist and got a hole at my elbow. apart from that, i am fine. 

we got back to dengkil after 48 tiring hours of hospital and check-ups. i was home in dengkil on the first Ramadhan. i had my sahur with my husband and he went to work. at noon, i woke up and took a quite long shower before prayer. after zuhur prayer, around 2.30pm, i got up from bed to take something and suddenly i felt a heavy flow of water washed my legs. it didnt smell of anything. panic struck me. it is time! i called my husband who quickly came home. 

we went to putrajaya hospital. at that time, i felt no pain at all. just nervousness. i was so nervous. it was my first experience. at putrajaya hospital, they checked the opening. just 3cm. we still got time to go to Shah Alam. i registered at a private clinic in Shah Alam and we managed to get there. we arrived at the clinic at 4.30. i still felt no pain. i was given a room and i was told to rest. they said the opening just 3cm and given that i didnt feel pain so they thought maybe i would not deliver on that day. my husband told me to keep walking. he said it will help me deliver. i did as he said. 

around 5.30, the pain came. nothing slow, nothing mild. it came immediate and strong. it was unbearable. i didnt experience slow contruction. i got the strong one at once. i started reciting every quranic verses i memorize. it was strong. like someone is trying to rip me from inside. i told the nurse but she thought i was overacting (because it was my first time) and said to rest and calm down because she thought it was just 3cm. i insisted on checking and she checked half-heartedly. she informed me it was already 6cm. she changed me into the labour dress and at 6.20, i entered the labour room to deliver my baby for the first time. the nurse said i have to wait for doctor to come and the opening was already 8cm. my husband and mother were at my sides, Alhamdulillah.

 the contruction was too strong i thought i would die. i remember praying for Allah to end the pain in whatever ways possible. as long as the pain went away. doctor arrived after 6.30. she checked the opening and said its 10cm already. i was asked to push which i gladly did. but remember this tip, do not enter the labour room without knowing how to push. i didnt know how to push. when they said push, i push my neck which made me groaned and my face red. everybody was telling me that i did it wrongly but i didnt know how to do it the right way. after 20 minutes of pushing the wrong way, the doctor helped me and my daughter was finally born at 7.10pm, right before break fasting. my mother helped the doctor break fast.

 at that time, i felt relieved, pure, empty and light. it didnt feel like i was just delivering a baby but i felt like i was just delivered to the world. i felt reborn. i felt light. i felt innocent. 

it was undefinable. really. i didnt care about anybody anymore. i didnt care about anything. and i couldnt sleep the whole night.

it was good. more than just good. the feeling was something i want to experience again.
looking forward to next experience. :)

well, i was stupid and young. what to expect?

i just retrieve my blogger password from my previous email account (being inactive for more than 2 years) and decided to take a tour at my blog. wow, i was shocked by how young (read immature) i was when i started this blog. phewww~

of course i feel embarrassed by most of the posts in this blog particularly the most recent posts before this post. but i am not going to delete them. i will let it there for my own reminder. and perhaps my kids can learn something from my lack-of-wisdom actions before.

the worst in your life teaches the most valuable lessons. 

i'm going to improve this blog. now that i can spend more time online, i can update more frequently and i'll make sure i provide only useful things here.

i can't wait for my next post!

being a happy wife, a blissful mother, a grateful daughter, an excited author, my next posts will be inspiring, In shaa Allah.

home is where your parents are.

sebelum ini saya selalu merungut sebab tak ada kampung. bila cuti, balik bandar. bila raya, sunyi jek kawasan rumah. yelah...duduk tengah bandar, orang semua balik kampung. raya pertama orang seronok ziarah-menziarah kat kampung, kami sekeluarga on the road carik lokasi untuk picnic. duduk rumah sunyi, tak macam raya. kami setiap kali raya, pegi pantai, air terjun etc nk bagi rasa happy. selalu sangat kami adik beradik merungut. kami nak kampung. macam orang lain jugak.

tapi tadi, baru saya faham maksud kampung yang sebenar. bukan rumah kayu yang terpacak kat tepi bendang. bukan ayam itik yang berterabur kat laman. bukan old school punya warung yang kat tepi jalan. balik tadi, parents saya happy gila tengok saya and adik yang riuh bercerita. baru tadi saya sedar yang ibu bapa saya sudah tua. adik bongsu saya masih kecil. mereka tinggal bertiga sahaja. sunyi benar rumah tadi. terasa seperti balik raya. terasa benar macam balik kampung.

inilah kampung saya. tempat orang-orang yang menyayangi saya. biarlah beraya di tepi pantai, di air terjun, di shopping complex, asalkan bersama mereka. asalkan mereka gembira. inilah kampung saya.

living a simple way, is it a sin?

recently i've been appointed as somebody in an organization. it wasn't my call and wasn't approved by me. heavyhearted, i sat on the chair, doing whatever works i was given. it took me almost 2 months to blend myself in. and now, i was asked to stay out. well, not directly, which made me feel knocked down. if there's something about my work that u dislike, why didn't u spell it on my face? yes, i was always thinking of letting it go actually, but not with a harsh addition.

well, maybe i was emotional. i had many things in my mind, on my shoulder that day, and the worst point is that i wasn't feeling well that day. until now, i'm still not well. headache, joints pain, bad fever, and never ending flu. i'm not in my good condition when i heard all that. maybe that influenced too.

i don't know. now i want to detach myself from everything. from my closest friend, from my special friend, from my study, from my family, from everybody. i want to be alone for now. i need to rearrange my life. 

Jangan rampas hak Allah.

hidayah itu milik Allah. jangan terlalu mudah mengandaikan seseorang itu cukup imannya dengan melihat peribadi ibu bapa atau keturunannya. 

ada manusia yang lahir dan hidupnya dalam iman tapi matinya kufur. ada pula yang lahir dan hidupnya kufur tapi matinya dalam iman. maka janganlah mudah menilai syurga neraka seseorang dengan melihat satu per tiga dari hidupnya. 

benar, ayah saya seorang imam masjid. membesarnya di bumi Arab. budaya hidupnya budaya bangsa Rasulullah s.a.w. benar. tuturnya imbasan Al-Quran. benar, ibu saya dibesarkan dengan nilai-nilai murni kaum melayu. sopan tutur kata, santun tingkah laku, tinggi budi bahasa. benar. ayah dan ibu saya hidup di paksi yang betul, dengan cara yang betul. harapnya benar tanggapan orang, mereka bakal ke syurga. 

tetapi, rasanya tidak perlulah berdasarkan hujah itu anda semua menilai saya akan ke neraka. neraka dan syurga milik Allah. ada sebabnya mengapa aturannya begitu. jangan bersusah payah mengambil alih tugas Allah. benar, saya tidak se'siqah' mereka, ibu bapa saya. saya tidak se'warak' mereka. benar. saya jalani hidup yang agak berbeza caranya dengan hidup yang mereka jalani. dugaan zaman saya ini lebih hebat dari iman saya. benar. banyak silapnya saya dalam membuat pilihan. benar. didikan ibu bapa saya telah lengkap. segalanya telah mereka beri. bukan lagi salah mereka jika saya tersalah langkah. saya yang membuat pilihan. tetapi, jangan 'neraka'kan saya hanya kerana pilihan-pilihan hidup saya berbeza dengan pilihan-pilihan ibu bapa saya.

ada sebabnya Allah meletakkan syurga dan neraka sebagai hal-hal ghaib.

bukan pada saya sahaja, pada semua orang. jangan menilai sesiapa begitu. tidak adil. 

"88-25: Sesungguhnya mereka semua akan kembali kepada Kami (Allah). 88-26: Kemudian, sesungguhnya atas Kami (Allah) menghisab mereka."

Al-Ghashiyah; 25-26. 

mencari saya dalam hati?

saya tak minta dipuja setinggi langit. sekadar dihargai bila saya ada di hadapan. jangan tunggu saya pergi baru rasa perlu. jika benar sayang, buktikan, jika benar hargai saya, tunjukkan. jangan sampai saya pergi tak kembali. wanita sangat rapuh hatinya. jika benar mahu bersama, jagalah perasaannya.

mengapa saya terasa seperti sangat tidak penting, sangat tidak diperlukan dan sangat tidak dihargai?

kadangkala saya sangat mahu kita terpisah mati. mungkin ketika itu baru kamu mula hargai saya dengan seikhlas hati.

susahnya mahu harmoni. susahnya bila saya kamu benci begini.

i'm avoiding my karma.

I've done many ugly things in my past life. I've started over but those things, since they are not buried, they came back to haunt my days and nights. i saw them at every corner, every sidewalks, every door i passed, they are everywhere. lucky me they didn't see me yet. my plan as for now is just hiding. hiding and keep invisible. yes, i'm avoiding them. yes, i'm a coward. say that out loud. i'm in no denial. i'm a big fat coward right now. 

now i know how it hurts. i mean, what I've done to other people. not that i already feel it. i can already understand the feeling by the heat when i walk passed them. i know that just saying sorry will not solve everything [otherwise the world would never need police]. but its just that i'm not ready yet. not now. karma, pls gimme more time to prepare myself. what i've done is terrible and i need a terribly long time to prepare for it. pls~tqvm~

lost.

i lost words. i lost senses. i lost everything that were once mine. 

how to regain those things back?

of course it cannot be done.

and grieving is not the solution. moving on is.

tired.

getting tired of being used.
getting tired of being abused.
please stop making me feel stupid coz i'm not.

p/s.

let me remind most of u who still not convinced that this is my blog and i have the right to write anything and include anyone i like, no matter the person like it or not. 

this is a reminder of my ego~ ;)

yang selalu di sisi.

KELUARGA

saya seorang yang sangat bertuah. walaupun ditujahi pelbagai dugaan dalam masa yang sama, saya masih merasakan diri saya bertuah. keluarga saya, walaupun bukanlah keluarga terbaik di dunia. bukanlah keluarga yang paling bahagia. bukanlah yang paling sporting dan ceria. tetapi mereka sahajalah yang tidak pernah membuang saya walau apa sekalipun kesalahan saya. pernah sekali dalam hidup saya, saya dibenci oleh semua orang yang mengenali saya. ketika itu, hanya keluarga saya yang tidak menilai saya seperti apa yang orang katakan. adik beradik saya, bukan tidak pernah bergaduh. bertumbuk pun pernah. tetapi dalam saat getir hidup saya, merekalah orang pertama berdiri di hadapan saya, menjadi pembela saya. Alhamdulillah yang Maha Pengasih, kerana merahmati saya dengan keluarga ini.

TEMAN

saya punya teman-teman yang baik kepada saya. seorang darinya, yang saya sayang seperti saudara kandung, telah pergi meninggalkan saya. pergi lantaran bosan dan jemu dengan saya. bukan salahnya, salah saya sendiri. silap saya sendiri. kepada teman yang seorang itu, maafkan saya atas segala kesilapan saya. terima kasih kerana memberi saya kenangan yang indah untuk dikenang pada masa akan datang. terima kasih kerana menjaga saya selama ini. baik kamu tidak pernah saya lupakan. buruk kamu, sudah saya maafkan. semoga kamu bertemu hidup yang kamu cari dan teman yang jauh lebih baik dari saya.

SAHABAT

 di antara ramainya teman2 saya, ada dua orang yang benar-benar menyayangi saya. pada awalnya, mereka sekadar teman sekelas yang selalu mengingatkan, memberi teguran dan nasihat. mereka juga teman yang selalu menemani saya ketawa. kemudian, ketika saat-saat ketawa hampir tiba ke hujungnya, saya kira mereka juga akan berundur seperti yang lain lantaran kami tidak pernah berjanji setia dalam suka dan duka. tetapi mereka tetap di sisi saya. malahan ketika saya tidak bersama mereka, mereka masih hiraukan keadaan saya. mereka masih menitik beratkan pelajaran saya, diri saya, hidup saya. mungkin saya terlambat sedar kewujudan mereka sebagai orang yang sayangkan saya tetapi saya bersyukur kerana dikurniakan teman-teman sebegini. pernah, beberapa kali, agak banyak kali juga, saya kecewakan mereka. saya jangka itu akan menjadi titik tolak renggangnya saya dengan mereka. tetapi ternyata itu bukan alasan untuk mereka menjauhi saya. bila ketawa, merekalah orang-orang pertama. bila menangis, merekalah yang menemani. bila api membakar diri saya, mereka jugalah bomba. sejujurnya, saya mungkin tidak sekuat ini jika tiada mereka. dan sejujurnya juga, saya sangat cemburu dengan mereka berdua. saya ingin jadi seperti mereka. ikhlas menyayangi teman-teman, sedia ada pada waktu suka dan duka, serta sabar menghadapi sikap saya yang terburu-buru dan emosi. mereka teman yang baik. mereka berhak mendapat teman yang lebih baik dari saya. saya harap suatu hari nanti, saya juga mampu menjadi seorang teman seperti mereka. 

saya bersyukur kerana diberi peluang bertemu insan2 seperti ini. semoga saya juga dapat menjadi seorang teman yang berharga kepada mereka berdua dan teman2 lain.

yang pergi telah pergi, yang tinggal ini lah yang harus benar2 saya hargai. semoga masih ada peluang untuk saya membetulkan kesilapan saya selama ini.

saya sayang teman-teman saya yang berdua ini (yang juga teman sebilik saya kini).

kehilangan itu mengecewakan.

kegagalan dan kehilangan itu ibarat ditolak jatuh dari tangga yang telah penat kita daki. setelah kita benar-benar hampir dengan puncak. begitulah rasa sakitnya kegagalan, kehilangan. terasa betapa ruginya kita kerana tidak sempat mencapai puncak. kecewanya hanya tuhan yang tahu. terasa sukar untuk mendaki semula. sumpah, sangat kecewa.

tetapi jika kita toleh ke kanan, rupanya kita dijatuhkan bersebelahan tangga bergerak untuk ke puncak yang lebih tinggi. orang berani akan menaiki tangga itu kerana keazamannya untuk mencapai puncak. orang yang takut tidak akan menaikinya dengan alasan tidak mahu kecewa lagi. orang yang bijak nampak di mana peluang kedua. orang yang gagal hanya membayangkan kekecewaan lagi. 

saya? masih berkira-kira.

pesanan untuk diri saya dan teman-teman.

penyesalan tidak mendewasakan insan. penyesalan cuma membuat manusia menyalahkan takdir. usah kesali apa yang terjadi tapi coraklah hari anda dengan pengajaran dari semalam. usah mencanang bunyi ke segenap alam yang anda menyesal. tiada gunanya. actions speak louder than words.

belajarlah menghargai, kurangkan menyesali. setiap yang buruk terjadi dalam hidup anda, pasti ada baiknya juga. jangan memadamkan kebaikan itu semata-mata kerana keburukan yang ada. belajarlah bersyukur. jadi insan yang tahu menghargai dan mensyukuri. sayang sekali kalau terlalu banyak menyesali dan memaki apa yang telah terjadi. rugi sekali usia yang telah dilalui. belum dilibatkan rukun iman keenam lagi.

sudahlah. belajar dari pengalaman, ambil pengajaran, tetapi jangan menyesali dan memarahi apa yang telah terjadi. taubat dan penyesalan tidak sama. buka minda, teroka erti hidup lebih luas lagi. hidup anda bukan yang ada di sekitar sahaja. bukan untuk menaikkan nama sahaja. sementara usia muda, belajarlah mengenali dunia dan manusia. jangan terlalu mudah angkuh, riyak, dan berasa bagus. 

injecting new substance.

a close buddy gave me this song to listen. to be honest, listening to the song doesn't help solving anything. but it helps fertilizing faith in our subconscious mind. as for me, i'm not that kind of person who can easily fully accept something new. so, even the song is very comforting and persuading, i'm not easily persuaded. but listening to the song frequently helps me feeling better. yes, we will still cry a lot but the song gives us comfort in hoping for better things. so, cry your heart out but listen to this~

wish us the peace we deserve~

when i just don't care anymore.

i've grown tired and i feel like leaving. i'll be better if i leave. i know that. i knew it from day one. since that. i lose more than gain. me myself can never understand why i let other people treat me like that. its nothing about stupid love or love slave. i know that for sure. its just that, i couldn't bring myself to say the word 'NO'. i don't really know how to say NO to certain people (note that, CERTAIN people).

i don't know when this gonna end but i hope very soon. coz i don't know what will i do when i just don't give  damn anymore. 

i heard me crying.

i trapped myself here, in this situation. feeling all empty, sad, lost and zero. its a bitter taste of life. i don't like this taste. but i know i need this feeling to knock me off my delusion. 

if there's anybody to blame for this, its me. i was the one who allowed this happen at the first place. i was too impatient. i was too arrogant to think that i wouldn't be swept away by this thing. it was me at that time, and it is me now. however, unlike that other person, i'm not gonna play the blaming game now cos it won't help resolve anything.

i am a puppet. controlled by an arrogant play-tough master inside me. i've led myself to disaster once, twice, thrice or more. it was me. i made all the decision. (now i'm blaming me).

i just need some comfort here. maybe just peace. is that too much to ask?

sometimes i really feel like giving up. i gave everything i could only to be paid with rudeness, harsh words, hatred, annoyance, lies and betrayal. how fair is that huh? life is never fair. Allah is but life isn't. i hate to admit being in this situation right now but its the truth.

i just want to do the right things. i want to be a better person. everybody claimed that they'd love to help for Allah's sake but no one really means that. it was just a script they memorized in doing their works. i'll need to do it alone. i wish i'll get stronger.

i'm moving on.

the stressful period, has eventually gone. praises to Allah. i'm not denying that the impact still lingers around here but i'm dealing with it now. 

to few friends who still don't know, i've changed my mobile number. my previous number is currently used by my sister, so, pls dun call her. she keeps complaining about my friends calling n texting her, even accusing her being me. well, thats funny. pls don't accuse her. i'm using new number and those who don't have my new number, there must be a reason.

using new fb account, new mobile number, new email address, i'm trying to move on here. there are many cleaning-ups need to be done. and i decided to just bury everything and start fresh. (not really fresh though)

langkah saya...

saya bukan jenis manusia yang mudah menyesal. saya yakin dengan janji tuhan, setiap sesuatu ada sesuatu. saya yakin itu. tetapi sebagai manusia, saya tidak nafikan kadangkala saya tidak dapat mengelak dari mengharap saya telah lakukan lebih baik. (besar bezanya dengan menyesal okey). 

kadangkala saya berhenti dalam melangkah, saya berhenti di tepi jalan, saya lihat kembali laluan yang telah saya lalui. pilihan-pilihan yang telah saya buat. orang-orang yang saya terima dan tolak dalam hidup saya. tuah dan malang yang menimpa saya. tipu sangat kalau saya katakan saya tidak menangis. lebih banyak tangisan dari senyuman. bagaimanapun, itu jalan saya, bahagian saya.

tuhan tidak akan menguji saya lebih dari yang saya mampu tanggung. kadangkala senyum yang terpaksa tambah menoreh luka yang sedia ada. saya tidak pandai berlakon. saya tidak mahu dan tidak suka berlakon. oleh itu, bila berlakon di kala saya sedang disakiti, luka serasa semakin dalam. 

perjalanan kali ini, saya berhenti rehat agak lama. mungkin jangka hayat hati saya sudah hampir tamat. organ-organ dalaman terasa sangat berat dan tidak sihat. kalau boleh saya sangat ingin mengalah. benar, saya sangat-sangat ingin mengalah. saya ingin berhenti terus di sini. sudah tidak mahu meneruskan perjalanan lagi. sesiapa yang mahu pergi, pergilah. saya tidak mahu tahan lagi. 

saya terlalu banyak memendam. saya terlalu banyak menyimpan. saya terlalu banyak memaksa diri. mungkin kerana itu fizikal saya kini sangat penat.

kejayaan dalam hidup bukan kejayaan yang mereka canang-canangkan. ianya apa yang kita mahu. bukan segulung ijazah, bukan wang menggunung, bukan pasangan hidup yang sempurna, bukan status atau harga pada dunia. ianya apa yang kita gembira bila memperolehinya. itulah kejayaan. 

buat masa ini, tiada apa yang mampu membuat saya rasa gembira jika memilikinya. tiada apa yang saya mahukan. hati saya sudah beku dan mungkin juga sudah tiada. saya kini hanya comel sedikit dari bangkai bernyawa.

ya Allah, saya tidak minta kekuatan fizikal. saya tidak minta kecantikan paras rupa atau kebijaksanaan akal fikiran. ketika ini, yang saya sangat mahu, hanya kekuatan rohani dan emosi. agar saya dapat bangun, teruskan perjalanan yang terhenti ini.

jika ada teman bersama, Alhamdulillah. jika tiada, berikanlah semangat yang waja untuk berjaya sebagai teman saya.

hanya itu.

cukuplah itu. 

dun wanna find people to blame

i don't understand. i really don't. i'm trying here!!! i am trying very-very-very super hard to turn everything better! i swear to God i am trying! but why do i feel like you are trying to fail me? why???

T_T T_T T_T

its hard. its really is. to pretend that everything is okay and the bleeding has stopped. its super goddamn hard to hide the scars! why do i feel like you are trying to make it harder for me?

is this what bestfriends do? is this what friendship means?

coz if this is what friendship means, i don't know if i wanna involve in one.

maybe your promises don't give you any urgent feeling. but as for me, my promises made me feel burdened.

we are not playing who-to-blame here. its not about 'its my fault' or 'its your fault'. we are not kids anymore~

we are to find a solution and to stay healthy and happy in this friendship. that is what i want. is that too much to ask?

remembering the good things~

okay. i have to admit that last night was awful. i was very sad and very mean. but it was a relief to both of us. we were together like for 19 months. and stopping it so suddenly for a very tiny reason was shockingly stupid for us, but it was a relief for both of us. i think its time. i know that we are never meant to be more than bestfriends. well, we are bestfriends since the beginning. but we didnt realize when the friendship passed the border. and that was our mistake together. one of us should always remind the other one. but both of us are useless in that kind of stuff. so, now we paid for the mistakes we made. no blaming, no finger-pointing now. 

we should always remember that we are each other's bestfriend. me myself should never allow anything like before happened. but like the saying goes, bury the past or the past will bury u. hey, i'm not up to be buried by the past yet, so, i'm leaving yesterday behind. it happened. he decided. i decided. we moved on. it should be good for both  of us right? he was suffocated with me, and i was half-hearted with him. so we better go find our own path. i dun feel anything right now. and i think thats good. people say i'm currently at the ignorance or denial stage. there are 6 or 7 stages of loss and maybe i'm encountering the first one. whatever, i dun wanna care. all i know is i have lots of friends who really love me, my not-so-happy family who will always be my family, and i have me. i'm my very own bestfriend in life.

we are still friends now, i hope. and we'll still help each other out on the things we used to share. and i'm still his friend. its not easy to brush off 19months full from my life. these 19months made me somebody no matter i like or hate the 'somebody' i've become. it is still a part of my life. i wont brush it off. i'll let it shapes me into someone better. i pray for him to find someone who really can accepts him for his weaknesses. and i pray he will be very happy with his life after this. 

in 10 years, i know he will become somebody and i hope i'll be happy for him.

he is a good man. i'm not a bad girl. we are meant to be friends. and i am really relieved. we should never fake it before. well, we learned a lot from this thing. Praises to Allah.