maybe.

maybe i should stop playing miss strong and all composed now. maybe i should start being human. and act like one. too many came for me yesterday. i should be shocked, traumatized, and maybe still trembling now. but i can't. and all the persons i always hoped for support during the hard times, were not available. i'm not blaming them.they have their own lives and maybe i should start leave them alone. and yes. yesterday i was totally alone. i really wanted to share with the persons i trust but they are too busy. so i composed myself, and wore a smile on my face. its fake, of course. but who can tells if an actress was acting or not? late at night, i managed to text one of the persons i respect, and trust. but i did not feel relieved. maybe i should share it with my own self. or maybe i should have cried gallons of tears since last night. but not even one came visiting my cheeks. is it a stone inside me? i can't even share it with myself because it seems like my mind can't even make an appointment with me. i do not understand why i try to avoid thinking about this or talking with myself about this. 

last night was real. last night was what i never wanted. but it came. and i have to pay the price.

i accept everything You gave me, Allah. bad or good. worst or beautiful, as long as it helps me. 

now let me sincerely thanks You for everything You have given me, and still giving.

maybe yesterday was a reminder for me. to not stop looking for You. reminder of all the sins I've committed. so i won't be forgetful.

better now than later.

may Allah strengthen my heart and weaken it a little.

salam.